Dear Mr. Chancellor, I hereby submit my application for the next cabinet position that becomes available. I know it's a little unconventional, but after watching this week's developments, I'm confident I exceed the qualifications. I'm available Tuesdays and Thursdays, I don't care which ministry it is, and if I'm ever feeling under the weather, I'll gladly take the Transportation Ministry. Apparently that's not considered a problem there.
Allow me to explain my qualifications using your own personnel decisions. Your parliamentary leader Jens Spahn stepped down because he used surrogacy services in the United States, something that's illegal in Germany under laws he helped uphold as Health Minister. From that I understand the first requirement. Ban something for everyone else, enjoy it yourself, and resign only after you get caught - where "resign" means becoming parliamentary leader until the next chair opens up. I possess that ability as well. I've never had to use it, but then again, neither have a lot of things in this country.
What really encouraged me was your decision to promote Philipp Amthor, 33 years old, now set to become Minister of State for Relations between the Federal Government and the States. His résumé reads like my own application, just with better results. Back in 2020 he sat on the advisory board of the IT company Augustus Intelligence, held stock options, and lobbied while being invited to New York, Corsica, and St. Moritz. He later described it as a position that required no regular work. That's exactly the kind of job I'm looking for. Transparency and LobbyControl both concluded at the time that his conduct created the appearance of being influenced by private interests, and five years later he ends up as the man responsible for mediating between the interests of the federal government and the states. If that's how promotions work, then I'd like to disclose that I once took something that wasn't mine too - a pen from a conference room. I respectfully ask that this be considered a relevant qualification.
This is where the appointment says something about the entire political system. A society doesn't reveal its values through speeches. It reveals them through what it rewards. If someone who abuses public office is punished, then integrity still matters. If that person gets promoted instead, then it doesn't, and every citizen watching learns the lesson. I learned it too, Mr. Chancellor, and I'm applying as one of your model students.
As for my own qualifications, measured against the standards Mr. Amthor has set. I clean up nicely in a suit. I can handle a pocket square. I'm happy to wear a German flag pin, and I'm still practicing the perfectly disciplined side part. I enjoy talking - a lot - and if necessary I'll happily sit on talk shows. I also make short internet videos that embarrass even me, but I keep making them because attention outweighs dignity. Mr. Amthor showed how it's done. I just have to copy him. He once said other people make the coffee while he brings the cake. I promise you, I won't make the coffee.
If you're concerned that I haven't been tested enough, let me reassure you. Back in February I followed closely as Mr. Amthor endorsed mandatory work requirements for welfare recipients, saying it's only fair that everyone who is able should contribute. I completely agree, as long as that standard only applies to other people. Someone receiving the equivalent of 563 euros has to prove they're willing to work, while the future Minister of State once accepted flights to Corsica for a position that required no actual work. Justice, I've learned, is something always recommended to the people with the least power. I've fully internalized that lesson and I'm ready to defend it convincingly.
If every ministry is already spoken for, I completely understand, because I've seen how tightly packed the carousel has become. When Spahn stepped down, Thorsten Frei moved into the parliamentary leadership, Nina Warken left the Health Ministry for the Chancellery, Carsten Linnemann took her place, and Amthor grabbed the ring spinning furthest out. That's how the carousel works. Nobody ever gets off. They just keep switching seats. I'll be ready the moment one of them needs something that's illegal in Germany.
Most urgently, though, I'd like to recommend myself for the Transportation Ministry, because that's where things are especially fascinating right now. Patrick Schnieder, 58, texted several members of parliament early that morning saying you had fired him the day before and would announce it publicly at 9:00 a.m., thanking everyone for their tremendous support. Then you stepped in front of the cameras, refused to take questions, and said nothing about him. That's how a German cabinet minister finds out he's been fired - he announces it himself, and somehow it still doesn't happen. I have exactly the kind of composure required to run a ministry when I'm not entirely sure whether I still have the job, because, if we're being honest, that's pretty much how most citizens feel about their own future these days.
I'll admit there are candidates with far more experience taking things that weren't theirs. But I'm a fast learner, I'm highly adaptable, and I promise I'll confuse my own interests with the public interest just as reliably as the job now seems to require. I've heard the state governments weren't exactly thrilled with my predecessor. They won't be thrilled with me either, but at least I'll be honest about it.
Looking forward to your response, and available every Tuesday and Thursday, I remain, Respectfully yours. You make the coffee. I'll bring the cake. Who pays for it - we'll work that out after I'm sworn in.
Greetings from D.C.
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