Kaizen Tests: Presidents During Medal Ceremonies

We tested several models under realistic conditions, meaning in the Oval Office and with the cameras rolling, at that very moment when one man places a medal around another man’s neck that both believe has been earned. In the first round we tested the grip. The medal hangs from a ribbon that must be fastened behind the neck, and that is exactly where everything is decided. Whoever finds the clasp immediately looks like a statesman. Whoever searches for it looks like a man feeling around behind someone else’s neck for something that keeps slipping away.

The more advanced models distinguish themselves by decorating themselves. That saves the tedious search for a second person willing to agree and shortens the distance from merit to proof to the length of an arm. Two devices entered direct comparison. The previous model, sold under the name Biden, delivered a flawless performance. It stepped forward, found the clasp immediately, and placed the medal around the soldier’s neck with a steady hand. Barely had the band begun to play before it was finished, stepped back, and applauded the recipient. Nothing wobbled, nothing needed adjustment. This device shows what a president is capable of delivering in this task.

The current model, marketed under the name Trump, failed the same test outright. From the first second it appeared overwhelmed and spent minutes fumbling with the clasp behind the soldier’s neck while he waited patiently. While the previous model had long stepped back and was applauding, this one was still searching for the fastening. We rarely test a device that puts in so much effort to accomplish so little.

The weight surprised us. The medal weighs very little, but the chest carrying it wears it as if it were a wound earned in service. We checked again. It was metal. In durability, the product impresses. The decoration survives the achievement by years, in favorable cases by decades. No recall is planned.

In terms of value for money, the real strength finally appears. A medal costs the state almost nothing and the recipient nothing at all, making it the most economical form of greatness available on the market. Overall verdict: The clear winner is without any doubt the previous model. Biden does what the task requires, quickly and confidently, without making a show of it, and earns for itself the very honor it has just awarded to someone else. We award full points and an unrestricted recommendation.

The current model receives none. We advise the consumer that when looking at a chest full of stars, pay attention to the hand that awarded them. In the winning model, it stays steady. In the other, it is still searching for the clasp.