Operation Lawn Care - Kristi Noem and the War on Portland

There are news stories that sound as if they were stolen straight from a parody show. But this is America under Trump: this is where the absurd becomes governance. Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem - yes, the same one who once preferred to talk about horses, the Bible, and bison, shot her dog Cricket, and later sold it as a test of character - has now declared the “War on Portland.” The National Guard is on the way. Tomorrow morning, it is supposed to arrive, supposedly to “restore order.” Cricket erschoss und das später als Charakterprüfung verkaufte – hat jetzt den „Krieg um Portland“ ausgerufen. Die Nationalgarde ist unterwegs. Morgen früh soll sie eintreffen, angeblich um „Ordnung wiederherzustellen“.

Order - that always sounds beautiful in Washington, full of law, flags, and family values. The best part, however: FOX News is already broadcasting images of supposedly “dangerous leftist elements” peacefully standing in front of the ICE building, holding signs. Only briefly does the camera cut to a scene where someone is seemingly “peacefully led away” - only, he was not part of the protest group at all. Our research shows he was briefly detained for drug use. Well, in Portland you apparently have to look very hard to find someone to arrest.

On FOX News, Noem explained the measure as a “necessary security operation to protect American values.” Almost simultaneously, a short video post appeared - with completely different images, you have to make use of your time: no smoke, no violence, no “leftist threat,” no aliens, no people, empty streets. Two realities in the same country, two narratives in the same minute. You have to make use of your time - especially when reality doesn’t fit the script.

Kristi Noem, meanwhile, is standing somewhere in a command center - or on a horse, hard to tell - and declaring that “these anarchic conditions” require direct federal intervention. Anyone who knows the secretary suspects that the word “anarchic” for her includes everything that does not come from South Dakota or does not wear cowboy boots.

We have already prepared maps of the city: parks, playgrounds, meadows - potential deployment sites for the National Guard’s lawn care, as happened in Washington. Apparently, the Department of Homeland Security plans to reclaim the nation’s order lawn by lawn, we are helping with that. One may be curious to see when the first drones circle over swings and whether the “Freedom Command” declares a barbecue area a “no-go zone.” In Washington, people have already experienced that.

Some observers suspect Noem has relied too heavily on FOX News. Others say she has simply fallen off her horse too many times. Still others suggest something mythological - perhaps a werewolf bite that has made her react to imaginary threats ever since. That would at least explain why she prefers to have helicopters circle over Portland at night instead of addressing real security issues. Meanwhile, a spokesman announced that the troops were “prepared for any situation.” They want to “create stability.” When asked what exactly the threat was, the answer was: “People with banners.”

It is the perfect American moment: a secretary in war mode, FOX News on high alert - and a country that has long since lost reality to satire. Portland is preparing for Sunday: for National Guardsmen between ducks and squirrels, for FOX commentators in helmets, for Secretary Noem in a gleaming uniform announcing at the city limits that she has “restored peace.” Or, in her own words: “We are at war” - only no one knows exactly against whom.