Cows Sue Over FAKE NEWS

Washington, somewhere between the breakfast table and the facts. Donald Trump declares that milk increases cognitive abilities. Ben Carson nods dutifully and adds that you can even see it. Anyone who is smart has obviously drunk milk. Anyone who is not, probably oats.

Trump: “Milk would help your cognitive abilities?” - Ben Carson: “Absolutely. You can tell who has drunk milk.”

Trump: “I took a cognitive test. I have taken many of them. I passed all of them with flying colors, because I drink milk.”

Trump himself immediately supplies the proof. He has taken many cognitive tests. Really many. Passed all of them. With flying colors. Reason: milk. Not learning, not reading, not thinking - milk. Preferably straight from the source, but please patriotically. In agricultural circles, this causes unrest. Several cows publicly distance themselves from the statements. They say they never claimed to produce intelligence. Milk is meant for calves, not for political self-assessment. A spokesperson cow explained that legal action for reputational damage is being considered.

Milk associations try to calm things down. They say they do not want to be a product that has to stand in for everything that cannot be measured. Education is complex, they say, and cannot be foamed. Trump remains relaxed. He keeps drinking. The tests remain perfect. And somewhere in a meadow a cow thinks: If that were true, we would have taken over the government long ago.