It was a sunny Monday morning in Mar-a-Lago when President Donald Trump - in the middle of a speech about the benefits of chlorine-free pool water - suddenly paused, took a deep breath, and solemnly declared:
"We need to investigate Beyoncé."
Not because of a music video or a suspiciously perfect pregnancy announcement - no. But because, according to the president, she, along with Bruce Springsteen, Bono, and Oprah, is said to have formed an "illegal, radically celebrity-driven support network" that "probably undermined the democratic election system of the United States." Undermined! With glitter, soul, and donation receipts.
The Department of Justice - still occupied with real tasks at the time - is now, according to Trump, supposed to launch a "comprehensive investigation." What exactly is it about? Maybe a flawed donation report from 2023. Maybe a secret Beyoncé album codenamed "Kamala." Maybe just the fact that Trump was once rejected by Oprah. Who really knows.
The nation, battered by Moody's downgrade, tumbling treasury yields, and inflation that has brought the dollar to its knees, should have other concerns. But Trump knows - what is the economy compared to a good distraction?
"The economy is dying? Wrong! Bruce Springsteen endorsed Kamala in 2024. THAT is treason."
Something like that might be how it sounds in Trump’s inner world - a world where pop stars are state enemies and talk show hosts strategic threats.
That it’s all a media spectacle seems obvious. And yet the first TV show is already in development, with the working title:
"Celebrity Subpoenas - With Donald Through the Celebrity Interrogation," produced by Truth Social Studios and sponsored by Mike Lindell’s MyPillow.
The public watches, shakes their heads - or clicks. Maybe that’s the real coup - turning the political stage into a casting show. Where there once were "checks and balances," there are now "likes and follows."
Meanwhile, Springsteen keeps singing about freedom, Beyoncé performs on international stages, Bono saves Africa - and Oprah? Oprah waits. In a quiet voice. For a moment of sanity. One that probably will never come.
And if the Department of Justice ever does launch an investigation, it will probably be against Taylor Swift - for "suspicion of undue influence over young female voters with Midnights."
Because one thing is certain - as long as Trump is in charge, no one is safe. Except maybe Melania - she’s sitting somewhere with headphones on, listening to "Born in the USA." Ironically. Very ironically.
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