Europe Grills Itself – The World Is on Fire, but the Veggie Burger Is the Problem

The world is reeling. In the United States, Donald Trump is once again sending tanks against protesters and calling it “domestic security.” In Ukraine, Vladimir Putin is bombing every corner he can still reach. In Germany, families no longer know how to afford their weekly groceries. And in Spain, an entire generation stands at the edge of the labor market and waves resignedly from there. And in the midst of this burning world, Europe rises – to finally take action. The EU Parliament has decided that tofu may no longer be called “sausage.” A milestone of civilization. A manifesto against semantic decay. While society collapses outside, language is being saved inside.

355 lawmakers in Strasbourg voted for what can only be described as a bold strike against the greatest enemy of the Western world: the veggie burger. Because somewhere out there, French lawmaker Céline Imart fears, an unsuspecting European could be tempted to buy a pea protein patty – and mistake it for meat. And that must not happen. Not in these times. Not as long as any metaphor for meat remains. In a world where wars are no longer ended but merely paused, Brussels declares a campaign against linguistic confusion. Tofu must be called tofu, and if Europe perishes in the process, then at least properly labeled.

Foodwatch calls the whole thing “nonsense.” But that is too simplistic. What is nonsense, after all, in an era when Trump is again sending the military into American cities while hedge funds rake in billions, and when the EU cannot even agree on a common asylum system – but finally knows what soy is allowed to be called? Horst Koller from the sausage industry insists that no one in Germany is being deceived – after all, the word “vegan” appears right up front. And somewhere in Lower Saxony, someone nods contentedly and thinks: at least that still works here.

At Rügenwalder Mühle, they understand the irony. There, they openly admit that no one wants to buy a “frying piece.” Rightly so. “Frying piece” sounds like something from a hardware store, not lunch. But logic no longer matters, as long as the regulations are in order. Europe now feels like a staff meeting on the Titanic. While the water floods the engine room, they are discussing the correct labeling of the buffet. Some are talking about inflation, war, and the collapse of democracy – others about wording and product labels.

Perhaps that is the true legacy of this vote: Europe as a linguistic graveyard of a fading reason. While Trump dismantles democracy with a smile, Putin manages genocide administratively, young people in southern Europe see no future, and single parents in Germany survive with three jobs – the EU Parliament declares: we have everything under control. We have defeated the veggie burger. One can see it all as a symbol – of escapism by institutional majority decision. Or as the final triumph of bureaucracy over reality. In any case, the feeling remains that this continent urgently needs something that has long since been banned – substance.