Following its recent classification as “confirmed far-right extremist” by Germany’s domestic intelligence agency, the Cologne branch of the AfD is reaching for a tried and tested method: turning to America. More specifically, to the Vice President of the United States, J.D. Vance. Because when German authorities get mean, there’s only one refuge left: the Land of the Free. “JD, help us!”, is said to be circulating in internal chat groups—a digital SOS, complete with Reichsadler emoji, Bible verses, and a picture of Friedrich Merz, in the vain hope he might still be persuaded to join their side. No such luck.
In its press release, the Cologne AfD announced it would appeal to “transatlantic partners of reason.” Naturally, this refers to the Trump administration—whose understanding of Germany’s political landscape is about as nuanced as a comment thread on Telegram. JD Vance, newly minted Vice President and proud advocate of “Western civilization” with a Catholic undertone, was described by AfD sources as “always a friend of plain talk.” And plain, they hope, will be his response – ideally via a U.S. executive order overturning Germany’s classification decision, or failing that, economic sanctions against Cologne Cathedral.
Insiders report that the AfD is also planning a transatlantic solidarity campaign under the slogan “Right Is the New Free”—featuring patriotic dance routines in front of the U.S. Consulate, Helene Fischer cover versions of “God Bless America,” and free copies of The Bell Curve for interested citizens. Between Telegram posts and chain emails, the image is forming of a party that doesn’t feel surveilled by Germany’s domestic intelligence—but betrayed by it. And now, it seeks transatlantic revenge through PR and pathos. The Bell Curve für interessierte Bürger. Zwischen Telegram-Posts und Email-Kettenbriefen wird das Bild einer Partei gezeichnet, die sich vom Verfassungsschutz nicht überwacht, sondern verraten fühlt – und die nun transatlantisch Rache in Form von PR und Pathos sucht.
What remains is a sarcastic smile, or perhaps pity. While the courts address the substance of the extremist label, Cologne’s AfD retreats into a geopolitical parallel universe, where JD Vance has somehow become the new referee of German democracy. And while the party scrambles to prove its loyalty to the constitution, it gazes longingly toward Washington—hoping not only for help, but for blissful ignorance.
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